newsflash: President Does Not Actually Exist

There has been a lot of talk recently about whether or not the president really exists. I know for a fact he does not. Yesterday, I was home in Washington, DC and I took a tour of the White House... something that I haven't done since I was in middle school and liked playing with my teddy bears. But this is not about teddy bears; it is about the president -- who does not exist. He used to exist. I know this because the teddy bear is actually named after a president. But I digress.

On this White House tour, they showed us the presidential bedroom. I asked, where is the president? They said, "He is working in the Oval Office." But when we went to the Oval Office the door was locked. Do you know why it was locked? I'll tell you why! Because the president doesn't frickin' exist!