The Story of the Onion

"I have an idea," the old man proclaimed. "Let us eat this onion as a celebration of peace!"

And so they did, one at a time, bite down into that tasty onion.

Until a younger man proclaimed, "Fuck this! Let's eat this delicious apple instead -- still as a celebration of peace -- but now, not so putrid tasting."

And so they tried the eating of the apple.

"This is much better," the masses cheered. "This young man shall be our new king!"

And so he was. And the old man watched on in horror, for he knew...

"An apple...?! That is, a forbidden apple! And God hath proclaimed that those who taste of such a forbidden apple shall be smitten by He!"

So the masses waited... possibly by watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. And yet God did not smite them, instead blessing them as it rained golden dubloons for a fortnight.

And the old man watched onward, as the villagers bought new Lexus hybrid sports utility vehicles, and he thought to himself, Well, I'm an ass.