Ben & Joe's Worst Vacation Ever

Ben: Why you have to be like that, man?
Joe: What are you talking about?
Ben: Dude, can you not speak in questions for once? I'm serious here.
Joe: Ben, look, I don't mean to be a "dick", but I really don't know what you are all hung up about.
Ben: Why did you put "dick" in quotations marks?
Joe: What?
Ben: You put the word "dick" in quotation marks?
Joe: How would you know-- (changes his mind) So what if I did?
Ben: So what if you did?
Joe: Yeah.
Ben: I'll tell you what, if I catch you aggressively punctuating on my ass again, I'll cut you.
Joe: Ooh... You'll "cut" me...
Ben: That's it, bitch!

[Ben takes a slice out of Joe's neck with a blade.]

Joe: Son of a bitch!!
Ben: Eee...
Joe: Oh my god!! Ow!! OW!!!
Ben: I'm--
Joe: You really cut me. That really, really hurts!
Ben: I'm sorry.
Joe: I'm going to have to go to the freakin' hospital!
Ben: I didn't think I'd actually cut you. I thought it was just a dumb story.
Joe: Now! I need to go to the hospital now!
Ben: I--
Joe: I'm freaking bleeding to death!! Holy shit!! Holy! Holy shit!!!
Ben: (crying) I thought it was just some dumb story Mike was writing. I didn't realize you'd get hurt.
Joe: Well I am hurt! You see the danger in pretend violence?!

[Ben thinks long and hard.]

Ben: Eh... You know what... Not really.
Joe: Oh, you don't?
Ben: (getting aggressive) No, I really don't.
Joe: Mike, give me a gun.
Ben: Huh?
Joe: I'm going to teach you a lesson. Mike, let me have a gun.
Mike: (powerful like the voice of God) I don't know, Joe.
Joe: Give me a freaking gun, Mike. I know you have one, you suicidal nut.
Mike: Fine. I'll write you in a stinking gun. But no more name calling; it makes me depressed, which in turn makes me suicidal.

[Joe pulls out a gun, aims at Ben's heart.]

Joe: Now I'm going to teach you a lesson about pretend violence.
Ben: Unfortunately, you forgot about my super-power -- my ability to, at any moment, morph into a gay porno mag.
Joe: Huh-zuh-zah?!?

[Joe pulls the trigger. Ben morphs. A bullet-riddled copy of Inches Magazine plummets to the ground. Joe looks at the mess he has made.]

Joe: Well this is the worst vacation ever.

[Joe looks around. There is nothing much more to be done. His neck wound, which at one point appeared to be life threating, has clotted rather quickly. With nothing better to do, he grabs the porno magazine off the ground and begins to page through it.]

Mike: (powerful like the voice of God) You must share!


[ED'S NOTE: The names Ben and Joe were chosen more out of laziness than out of an attempt to satire certain peoples who the author of the peice may happen to know. ...well, that is except for Ben, who's well known abilities to morph into gay porno magazines seemed applicable to the peice.]