Transcription of a Dear John Letter I Found

Dear John,

Now that I have gotten my FRAGGLE ROCK - THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON DVDs back from you, our relationship is officially over. I feel weird writing this letter out, but for some reason I am locked out of my e-mail account and we both know you need to pay your cell phone bill and FINALLY get that thing turned back on. I am very attached to you and I hate to do this, but after you being so drunk at the Burger King, I can never EVER look at you the same as before. All I see is an asshole who gave me a bruised arm eating chicken fries -- AND NOT SHARING! You never once asked me to share anything with you. ASSHOLE!! But in my final gesture of love which I am now ceasing, I feel like I should tell you the following things: 1) I never actually needed that abortion -- I just pocketed the cash. I had gotten fired from the SuperFresh and was too embarassed to tell you and I needed money really bad so I came up with that plan and lied and it was horrible. Which I guess is a second lie 2) that I had never told you about getting fired. and then 3) is when I would tell you I was going to work at the SuperFresh when I had actually been fired, I was actually going over to Chuck's place and we'd smoke grass and a couple of times we had sex. With a condom! 4) I always hated that "our song" was the Black Eyed Pea's "Let's Get Retarded". That song sucks and the Black Eyed Pea's suck. That's the only rap CD you own and you are pathetic. The next guy I date is going to have better taste in music and I guess that will have to make up for him having a smaller penis, Long John. :) Now that I think about it you are probably happy about the whole abortion lie since you are a devout little Catholic and now you won't have to go to hell THOUGH I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND SOME OTHER WAY IN! But I should get going. I will miss you and miss seeing your face when you read this letter. You can keep my fucking travel Connect Four. I don't need that shit back and don't you try to use giving it back to me as an excuse to come by my apartment cause I'm telling you now I DON'T WANT IT. And don't look to get the engagement ring back I've already pawned it so I can buy grass from Chuck.

Love, NO MORE!
Hillary