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SOMEDAY, GOD WILLING, WE WILL FIND A CURE.

9.25.2005

Transcription of a Dear John Letter I Found

Dear John,

Now that I have gotten my FRAGGLE ROCK - THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON DVDs back from you, our relationship is officially over. I feel weird writing this letter out, but for some reason I am locked out of my e-mail account and we both know you need to pay your cell phone bill and FINALLY get that thing turned back on. I am very attached to you and I hate to do this, but after you being so drunk at the Burger King, I can never EVER look at you the same as before. All I see is an asshole who gave me a bruised arm eating chicken fries -- AND NOT SHARING! You never once asked me to share anything with you. ASSHOLE!! But in my final gesture of love which I am now ceasing, I feel like I should tell you the following things: 1) I never actually needed that abortion -- I just pocketed the cash. I had gotten fired from the SuperFresh and was too embarassed to tell you and I needed money really bad so I came up with that plan and lied and it was horrible. Which I guess is a second lie 2) that I had never told you about getting fired. and then 3) is when I would tell you I was going to work at the SuperFresh when I had actually been fired, I was actually going over to Chuck's place and we'd smoke grass and a couple of times we had sex. With a condom! 4) I always hated that "our song" was the Black Eyed Pea's "Let's Get Retarded". That song sucks and the Black Eyed Pea's suck. That's the only rap CD you own and you are pathetic. The next guy I date is going to have better taste in music and I guess that will have to make up for him having a smaller penis, Long John. :) Now that I think about it you are probably happy about the whole abortion lie since you are a devout little Catholic and now you won't have to go to hell THOUGH I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND SOME OTHER WAY IN! But I should get going. I will miss you and miss seeing your face when you read this letter. You can keep my fucking travel Connect Four. I don't need that shit back and don't you try to use giving it back to me as an excuse to come by my apartment cause I'm telling you now I DON'T WANT IT. And don't look to get the engagement ring back I've already pawned it so I can buy grass from Chuck.

Love, NO MORE!
Hillary

9.24.2005

The Race for Mayor of Toilettown

And so the candidates debated.

"I will bring better funding to our schools," said Candidate One.
"I will fix the lampposts on Main St.," exclaimed Candidate Two.
"I will get the goose droppings off our public golf course," shouted Candidate One.
"I will invest public dollars into training parrots to deliver our mail," yelled Candidate Two while flailing his arms wildly.

And the populous thought long and hard...

"I will revive the heart-attacked monkey in the city zoo," said Candidate One.
"I will stop letting Tom Baxster's kids smoke grass behind the abandoned church," exclaimed Candidate Two.
"I will stop letting myself smoke grass behind the abandoned church," shouted Candidate One.
"Free haircuts for all registered voters!" yelled Candidate Two while juggling three balls in one hand.

And so thusly the populous continued to ponder...

Until from far off, just over the horizon, a odd-looking stranger in an all white suit swaggered into town. He strut right down Main St. tipping his hat to all the young ladies, not even minding that many of the lampposts had long been broken by the doped up kids of Tom Baxster throwing rocks at them.

He stepped right up to the podium, pushing both candidates aside, and brought a hush over the stirring, wide-eyed crowd.

"And let this proclimation ring throughout this fair city," the stranger said. "If you elect me mayor, I will change the name of Toilettown to Pleasantville."

And without saying but another word, this odd-looking stranger from a far off place won the race for the mayor of Toilettown in a landslide...


EPILOGUE: He was crooked and stole all the town's money.

9.22.2005

The Second Stand of the Steak Salesman

He sat there thinking.

Yes, Wally had failed once before, but fate is a dirty game. Here he was with a large surplus of raw meat that he had again purchased at low, low prices. Surely, he and his wife could not eat all this themselves before it went bad -- especially with his wife living at her sister's since leaving him after the first steak selling fiasco.

But Wally had learned a word in school once... and that word, was perseverance. True, it was a word that had foiled him before, knocking him out of the fifth grade spelling bee, but that bitch wasn't going get him twice... like his wife.

Throwing steak after steak into a satchel, Wally walked down to the street, confidence hastening each step, a wry smile slathered across his face like a foregone peach cobbler.

People may have forgotten me in the past, he thought, but those bastards will come to remember the name Wally Shitgiggles, yet.

"Meat for sale! Meat for sale!" he screamed with vigor.

But a permanent-pressed man in his million euro suit stopped to gawk. Wally had seen this man before. "Ha!" the man laughed. "'Tis once again a Friday during lent and here we find ourselves living in a futuristic society where all peoples have come to adhere to ultra-conservative Catholocism and it's strange ideals."

Bastard, thought Wally. Why is that asshole always here?

And so it is true, that Wally failed once again.

9.21.2005

The Story of My Life As a Virgin: In Three Brief Chapters

Chapter One
I was born in the small coal mining town of Bethlehem, PA.

Chapter Two
I never got laid.

Chapter Three
I died one cold winter's night having been impaled by a gardening hoe at the age of 76.

the end.

A Conversation from a Dream I Just Had...

The following conversation is loosely based on a dream I awoke from not too long ago:

(I sit down in the front row of a theater next to a small child wearing a suit and tie.)

ME: Woah! That guy has a HUGE penis!
KID IN SUIT'S MOTHER (leaning over to me): Would you refrain from that talk! You're sitting next to my son!
ME: Oops. Sorry.

(a silence.)

KID IN SUIT (quietly turns to me): So you like that guy's rod?
ME: What?
KID IN SUIT: Bet you like his rod so much 'cause you have a small chubby.
ME: What?!
KID IN SUIT: Have you seen your small chubby recently? I bet you haven't seen anything down there in a while, huh?
ME: I am perfectly happy with the size of my penis.
KID IN SUIT'S MOTHER: Will you be quiet! Your sitting next to a small child!!
ME: But he-- Sorry.

(a silence.)

KID IN SUIT: So how's that small chubby of yours?
ME: Dude, you are one sick little kid.
KID IN SUIT: I'm not the one with the size problems.
ME: And the word "chubby" is totally lame. I didn't know my subconscious even knew to refer to the penis as a "small chubby". I wonder if there is some Frued-like bullshit going on here.
KID IN SUIT'S MOTHER: If you curse one more time I am going to get the manager!!
ME: Why don't you shut up your filthy little kid, bitch!!
KID IN SUIT'S MOTHER: That's it!! I'm getting the manager!!
ME: Oh, good one. Well, screw you 'cause I got my own manuever! I'll just wake up!!

(I attempt to wake up, but I cannot. This is not a dream. This really happened to me. So the manager came back, and escorted me out of the theater thus missing whatever I had happened to go there to see.)

And then I woke up...

Critics Already Deem Sean Preston Federline's Debut Album Too Commercial

Years before his debut single has even been recorded, the infant son of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is already being panned by critics.

"So much crying," says E! Television's Donna Shinestein. "Tracks like the Ying Yang Twin's Whisper Song are an interesting, unique take on the hip-hop genre. All I've seen Sean Preston do so far is suck on Britney's teat. I mean, come on, who hasn't thought of trying that. It's old news."

The helpless baby has yet to respond, but Ron Masterson, president of Jive Records, who signed the child in his third trimester, spoke on his behalf. "When we made the decision to advance an unborn fetus $2.5 million, we made a commitment to stand behind him as he grows as an artist and a human being. We believe in nurturing our artists, spoon feeding them mashed peas, allowing them to find their voice over the term of their contract."

The album, which has an expected release date of Spring 2018, is tentatively titled: "Who Cares?"

A Good Day For Teddy Bear

When Emily played, Teddy Bear was her best companion: tea at high noon, slumber parties at night. But when Emily went off to school, Teddy Bear came alive! wandering about the house and having a good ol' teddy bear time.

One Autumn morning, shortly after Emily took the big yellow bus off to school, Teddy Bear opened his teddy bear eyes scampering about while no one could see until he stumbled upon Emily's stash of weed. Boy did Teddy Bear get stoned that day!!

9.14.2005

The Story of the Onion

"I have an idea," the old man proclaimed. "Let us eat this onion as a celebration of peace!"

And so they did, one at a time, bite down into that tasty onion.

Until a younger man proclaimed, "Fuck this! Let's eat this delicious apple instead -- still as a celebration of peace -- but now, not so putrid tasting."

And so they tried the eating of the apple.

"This is much better," the masses cheered. "This young man shall be our new king!"

And so he was. And the old man watched on in horror, for he knew...

"An apple...?! That is, a forbidden apple! And God hath proclaimed that those who taste of such a forbidden apple shall be smitten by He!"

So the masses waited... possibly by watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. And yet God did not smite them, instead blessing them as it rained golden dubloons for a fortnight.

And the old man watched onward, as the villagers bought new Lexus hybrid sports utility vehicles, and he thought to himself, Well, I'm an ass.

9.10.2005

Things Overheard on the Subway

This is a conversation I overheard on the subway:

Tall Guy: Whoa!
(Tall Guy squeezes through the door as it shuts.)
Tall Guy: Is this the G train?
Asian Guy: Huh?
Tall Guy (slightly louder): G train?!
Asian Guy: No.
Tall Guy: Shit. Which train am I on?
Asian Guy: You're not on a train.
Tall Guy: What? That seems ridiculous.
Asian Guy: The world is a ridiculous place.
(Tall Guy pauses. Looks at his script.)
Tall Guy: This dialogue is ridiculous!
Me: Keep reading it or I'm not taking off your shackles.
Tall Guy: Why'd I even come to this Denny's in the first place...

9.09.2005

newsflash: President Does Not Actually Exist

There has been a lot of talk recently about whether or not the president really exists. I know for a fact he does not. Yesterday, I was home in Washington, DC and I took a tour of the White House... something that I haven't done since I was in middle school and liked playing with my teddy bears. But this is not about teddy bears; it is about the president -- who does not exist. He used to exist. I know this because the teddy bear is actually named after a president. But I digress.

On this White House tour, they showed us the presidential bedroom. I asked, where is the president? They said, "He is working in the Oval Office." But when we went to the Oval Office the door was locked. Do you know why it was locked? I'll tell you why! Because the president doesn't frickin' exist!

9.06.2005

The Tale of Lonely Frog

Lonely Frog was a sad amphibian. He never had any friends. Well, he had one friend, but that friend was a copper snake, and we all know copper snakes suck monkey balls.

So Lonely Frog turned to his not so lonely mother and asked her: "Mom dearest, how do I make friends?" Mother Frog pondered this for many moments, thinking very, very hard for she so desperately wanted to help her son.

Finally, an idea popped into her green froggy head. "Why don't you make a batch of cookies?" she suggested. "All little frogs love a tasty cookie treat."

So Lonely Frog baked for days and days, working on his very special froggy cookie recipe, for he wanted his cookies to be juuust right. He tried almonds and cashews, raisins and chocolate chips, cane sugar and brown sugar, sprinkles and icing; and when his special green frogalicious cookies were juuust right, he loaded them up in basket and hopped them down to the pond.

Lonely Frog handed out his special cookies to all the little frogs at the pond, even the little one who were barely past their tadpole days. And everyone loved the cookies!

...but still no one would be Lonely Frog's friend.

So Lonely Frog hopped all the way back home, with tiny little tears in his little froggy eyes, crying, "Mother, mother. I made the best cookies I could ever possibly make and I am still, alas, a lonely frog. What, oh what, should I do?"

Mother Frog felt for her lonely son, and she thought and thought as hard as she could, until once again an idea popped into her grean froggy head...

"Well, for one, you could stop being such a pussy."